Who we are

Take some intelligent and somewhat socially awkward students and put them in a single class. Keep them busy enough so they’ll only have time for med student friends. That way, they won’t notice the big huge world that’s going along without them. And they’ll do pretty much anything you ask.

Such is the phenomenon of medical school.

Stay inside on beautiful days to focus on a tiny slip of glass under a microscope. Spend every third night in the hospital on a surgery rotation. Consider going to the Parkland McDonald’s a “field trip.” Sure, no prob.

We begin to think that our lives are normal, that everyone goes through something like this. We start to forget what life was like before it started, forget who we were before it started.

Regardless of personality, we have all changed since August, and hopefully most changed for the better. Still, we are different people.

I just ran into a pack of photos that I haven’t seen since graduation. I’m not that same girl making sushi or punching the air watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I’m not the sorority girl, the tight-laced Baptist, the naïve child. I can cut into a cadaver. I can look at patients with end-stage diseases without trembling. I can stare at human cells, not really worrying that they came from someone who died.

It’s easy to overlook these changes, but I don’t think it wise. We should not be so careless with the spirit of who we are.

The med student in us all says, “Shut up and get back to your syllabus.” Does that really make the best physician?

It’s a heavy burden we carry…practicing on people. We don’t get do-overs, mulligan’s, or repeats. But at some point, we will have to do our first LP or insert our first central line. And we’ll have to do so with confidence, without fear, and most importantly without guilt. Without the guilt that comes from hurting someone because we don’t know what in the world we are doing.

We have to get over that.

Do we have to desensitize ourselves to humanity so that we might better care for it?

One tract mind.

Where did my “well-rounded” mind go?

The diploma on my wall insists that I was, at one time, trained in the liberal arts. But my mind is anything but free.

I woke up this morning thinking about arteries. Splenic, to be specific…how it comes off the celiac trunk, runs through the pancreas.

How depressing is that. Great for my anatomy grade, but horrible for general quality of life.

I used to pride myself in being well-rounded, but lately I’ve been feeling rather medically single-minded. Think I’m exaggerating? I tried to end an awkward silence last night with, “So, how about that superior mesenteric ganglion?”

I’m not kidding.

Was it something I did? Or is this change an inevitable result of medical indoctrination? (haha…”indoctrination”) All day, every day, all science, all the time.

It’s like a child’s nightmare television channel, when all he wants to watch are cartoons.

I have hardly anything else to talk about, other than TV…which is usually something relatively medical as well… “Oh man, they mentioned the conjoint tendon on Gray’s last night.” Or “Man, I swear that guy on the news has marfan’s.”

But what can I do? I even feel guilty for taking this time out from finals studying to write this? Am I destined for a parochial world?

Tea for one?

As I’m once again awaiting my caffeine buzz here at Barnes & Noble, I see this box on the “Holiday gift ideas” table…Tea for One. A tiny teapot nesting on top of a teacup. The label reads “set a pretty table and enjoy your own company.”

Now, part of me thinks that is somewhat sad…or at least bittersweet. I guess I’ve always imagined tea and coffee as things to be enjoyed with others. Of course, I say this as I sit alone with my coffee and genetics notes…(only because SOMEONE said we can't efficiently study together...geez)...but still, I might be a little offended if someone gave me this gift.

No hope of tea for two or two for tea. No, instead I'm enjoying my own company, only finding solace in my pretty piece of pottery.

But then on the other hand, I think people are sometimes too social. We think we must be busy all the time, either making friends or catching up with old ones. And nothing against that. But all things in moderation.

We get so busy that we forget to sit down, to appreciate simply being alive, and to think about our lives and who we are.

I really like the song “I wonder as I wander out under the stars.” Besides being a great piano piece, it’s reminiscent of Tolkien’s quote, “Not all who wander are lost.” There’s great joy in wandering around a bookstore, although sometimes depressing to remember all the great ideas that I don’t have time to learn.

But just to wander. No goals. No pressing concerns. Just me, my thoughts, and my coffee cup.

Of course, it’s probably difficult to stroll about while holding onto a teapot, but I think you get the idea.

Here’s to coffee for one.